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I am a year-old womanand I have never, to my knowledge, had an orgasm. The question can feel vaguely patronizing, but it also fills me, and others like me studies tend to put the share of nonorgasmic women at 5 to 10 percentwith a creeping sense of self-doubt. I thought for a moment. But no matter how much I am enjoying myself, there inevitably comes a time, both on my own and with a partner, when the physical pleasure, having built and built, either fades to nothing or becomes a sensation too uncomfortable to bear, and provides neither the rapture nor release I have imagined and sometimes even conjure in my dreams.
For years I relished the novelty of touching and being touched by someone separate from myself, not to mention the discovery—I must have been about 11—that I could slide my pelvis beneath the bathtub faucet and elicit that delicious-and-then-unbearable sensation I described above. Even in college and beyond, when physical intimacy became more commonplace, I remember being fairly phlegmatic about the whole thing.
Yet there were other men who knew exactly what they were doing, among them my future ex-husband, whom I met when I was 25 and who, from our very first night together, stunned me with his seemingly preternatural understanding of my clitoris. Paradoxically, it was the sheer intensity of our sexual attraction, the dawning hope that maybe one day he could make me climax, that not only triggered my frustration but also inspired me to act.
She also sent me home with some female-centric s porn, a list of recommended herbs and vitamins, and a prescription for Viagra that the pharmacist, alarmed by my gender, initially refused to fill. For months I dutifully followed her advice, masturbating daily, popping Viagra on date nights, enduring improbable narratives about sensitive plumbers with frosted tips and acid-washed jeans, and even going off the pill. Orgasm camp was too expensive. But although my sex life continued to thrill—to reiterate: Pleasure and climax are not synonymous for women like Lizzie and me—I still failed to come.
Eventually, exhausted and even a little bit bored by the effort, I once again reed myself to my anorgasmic fate. Galen also believed that women were immune to postcoital tristesse, clearly never having hung out by my bedside. Not until was it finally proven that the female orgasm was not, in fact, a requisite for reproduction; only then did anatomists begin to develop a relatively accurate conception of female anatomy. Even so, it took at least another century for the German anatomist Georg Ludwig Kobelt to produce one of the earliest detailed diagrams of the clitoris, the only human organ 39 male looking for ladys texting sexing or more for pleasure alone, and one that, with more than 8, nerve endings, is decidedly not the inverse of the penis.
Listen to Katharine Smyth discuss this piece on The Experiment podcast. Maines also suggests that we have this history to thank for the creation of the vibrator, which was patented in the s in England—well before the vacuum cleaner—as a labor-saving device for doctors who had been complaining of chronic hand fatigue. Bysome 53 percent of American women admitted to having used a vibrator at least once in their life. Indeed, the male and female sexual organs would appear to be very poor complements: as a surprisingly large of men and even women seem not to realize, the physical location of the clitoris means that only about one-fourth of women, according to some estimates, are able to achieve orgasm from penetration alone.
Which raises the question of why, evolutionarily speaking, women climax at all. A study involving rabbits and Prozac gave new credence to yet another theory, one suggesting that the female orgasm dates back to some prehistoric era in which ovulation was triggered by sexual intercourse.
In bunnies, it still is. The truth is that no one knows for sure why women come, and our descendants may well look back on such theories with as much derision as we do on the treatment of hysteria or the tie between climax and pregnancy. The female orgasm is a kind 39 male looking for ladys texting sexing or more Rorschach test—an abstraction upon which each new generation of doctors and scientists can project its worldview, almost always to the benefit of men and their assumptions about normally functioning female sexuality.
Wednesday Martin: The bored sex. S ome nine years after my appointment with the sex therapist, newly single after my divorce, I found myself on the floor of a Williamsburg apartment, white headlights from the expressway every so often sweeping across my bare skin. I was already beginning to fantasize about our future together when he abruptly confessed that he was bothered.
I felt suddenly enraged, as well as a little naive. He demurred. But for the men who followed, my condition was a turnoff, a defect that rendered me not only less of a woman but actually undateable. With no one was this clearer than with Michael, a guy I nearly relocated for. I was dumbfounded by his answer. It seemed so horribly unjust. Over espresso, he rejected the idea that She Comes First had cast the looming cultural shadow Alptraum proposes, as well as the notion that a majority of men treat the female orgasm narcissistically as sport.
Part of my work—which is in contrast to She Comes First —can be really enjoying all the parts of sex. After listening to my story, Kerner hypothesized that my particular problem was an inability to quiet the restive, self-conscious parts of my brain.
Read: Why are young people having so little sex? And yet it still makes me angry when I think of those exchanges with Chris and Michael, of their paternalism and hypocrisy. They are not hideous men, and my guess is that they see themselves as feminists, or at the very least enlightened, devoted above all to the satisfaction of their female partners.
But their refusal to accept my own of my experience—their insistence that, no matter what I said or did, I was not enjoying myself, or not enjoying myself enough —belies this narrative, makes it clear that their preoccupation with the female orgasm had very little to do with my pleasure and almost everything to do with their own. Which is something I stopped being. In the weeks and months after that conversation with Michael, still traumatized by his rejection, I finally embraced the obvious solution: I started faking it.
Perhaps you are dismayed by this confession; certainly it made my friends uneasy. They worried about my endgame, about the surrender of my sexual agency, about the fact that all my future relationships would now be built on a lie.
But the truth is that, for me, faking it was instantly empowering, even revelatory. Overnight, the emphasis shifted from what I lacked to what I offered everything from a genuine zeal for blow jobs to an extensive toy collection. Sex was suddenly more fun, less fraught, and I came to luxuriate in the kinds of responses I imagine most orgasmic women had been receiving all along.
Far from hiding who I really was, then, faking it threw into relief my sexuality; for the first time since my divorce, maybe for the first time ever, men began to see me as I saw myself, and as I knew myself to be, which is to say, no less carnal than the next person, and perhaps even more so.
Sure, there were some ethical and practical issues at play—it pained me to think of a man I loved learning that I had deceived him; what was my endgame? But the sexual excitement sparked by this discovery sparked sexual frustration too. And so I resolved to continue on the journey I had started with the sex therapist all those years before, first googling o rgasm camp to no avail and next setting up an appointment with Dr. Ma sensual-touch therapist whom I had read about in New York magazine. Optional donations appreciated.
A few weeks later, I met Dr. An average-looking man in his 40s, he had a pleasant energy and a wry sense of humor; we made small talk as he escorted me through the service entrance of his building and into his small, anodyne bachelor pad. You know the type: brown-leather couch, black IKEA bookshelves, navy bedspread, oversize poster of the Brooklyn Bridge.
After a brief consultation on my sexual history—we had already spoken of it on the phone—I disrobed in the bathroom, wrapped myself in a towel, and lay down on his massage table. An oil diffuser morphed soothingly from green to purple, releasing a fine eucalyptus mist, and ambient music droned softly in the background. As he rubbed my neck and arms, I strained to read the titles on his bookshelf; I thought that I could just make out The Case for Israel.
Read: Your chemical romance. Eventually he poured warm oil onto my back and, still rubbing, slowly began to pull apart my legs. He had cautioned me earlier against being too goal-oriented, and I tried hard to empty my mind of any thought of orgasms. Will it be now? M said at last.
It was less than an hour since we had first shaken hands at Starbucks. But as I could have predicted, and as Dr. M himself noted—I was beginning to feel as if he were a real doctor, so dedicated was he to my cause—something appeared to be holding me back, some inability to get over the hump. I dressed as he described his varied clientele—the nonorgasmic, yes, but also single women craving intimate touch, adventurous women tackling their bucket list, married women seeking sexual pleasure without cheating. Without cheating? I thought. Hmmm …. On our walk, I had told him about the retired merchant marine officer I was meeting for dinner.
Meanwhile, Dr. In a free, minute phone consultation with the latter, I spoke with a lovely woman named Jen. This deluge did not spark joy; on the 39 male looking for ladys texting sexing or more, it left me confused, even despairing. Where to start? And how to pay for it? I might have simply given up as I had a decade earlier; certainly I approached each opportunity with skepticism, doubtful that any of them would actually work. But one by one, their websites—sophisticated, knowledgeable, seemingly so sympathetic to my plight—began to lure me in; I felt guilty at the prospect of inaction, as if failing to part with a huge chunk of my savings, not to mention all my leisure time, were somehow an abrogation of my responsibilities as a woman.
Nor was I alone in the guilt and anxiety I felt at confronting this glut of self-improvement options. But she argues that the consequences of such messaging can seriously affect women and weigh on them, and she sees a lot of patients whose partners have broken up with them because of their sex life. It was so insane. The next thing I knew, I was opening my door to Justin, a tanned, muscular man about my age wearing combat boots and maroon-and-yellow ikat balloon pants.
He said yes; I said no. He struck me as intelligent and oddly down-to-earth, given his wacky spiritual bent; I felt as safe and comfortable with him as I had with Dr. Then he asked me to take off my clothes, don a sarong, and make a list of intentions to tuck beneath the mattress as he prepared the bedroom for our session. Every so often he took a break from reading my intentions to offer pearls of wisdom: Get rid of your vibrator.
Make masturbation a weekly ritual. Most important, stop faking it. It was beginning to dawn on me that tantric healing was a little more, um, hands-on than I had realized; aroused, I said yes to it all. Then he disappeared into the bedroom. When he opened the door, he was wearing only yellow silk shorts and his many amulet necklaces. The blinds were lowered, the bed strewn with rayon rose petals; incense smoldered on the dresser, and dozens of electric candles did their simulacra of flickering.
Then I lay on my stomach as he pulled off the sarong and massaged my back and legs; when he later straddled me, running his forearm horizontally up and down my spine, I realized with a jolt that he also was naked. If I kept my eyes closed, I could almost ignore the question of whether I had inadvertently hired a prostitute.
Imagine the farmer who picked it; imagine his life, his preoccupations and joys and anxieties. We turned to face each other, still lying naked and entwined. He laughed, but not because he agreed with me.
That evening, as instructed, I drank lots of water and set light to my intentions, which quickly curled into a scroll of velvety soot. Afterward we lay in bed naked holding each other and talking for half an hour as if we were in love. I s that true, that my journey is only just beginning? As Lux Alptraum points out, the female orgasm is often more difficult to pinpoint than its male equivalent, and underwhelming climaxes, oxymoronic as they may sound, are far more widespread than we think.39 male looking for ladys texting sexing or more
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Chapter Gender, Sex, and Sexuality